House Hunting
by Dark Goddess013
Summary: The Cullen's and Jake go house hunting and find the mansion from Scary Movie 2 and run into the bird from the movie. With blonde jokes, dog jokes and team-Jacob shirts who knows what will happen. Read to find out. Rated T for the f-word.


House Hunting

No one's Pov

It was a dark, rainy Friday when the Cullen's-and Jake- walked into this mansion they had found that was-for some odd reason- extremely low priced and they were about to find out why. They walked into the foyer and saw this parrot in a cage

"Ah, what a cute little bird!" Alice said and said bird looked around for the source of the sound and when his eyes found it they widened comically.

"Oh f*ck, it's the Cullen's. I just got rid of ghost and what walks in? F*cking vampires!" The bird squawked in his high pitch voice

"Ghost aren't real." Edward said in a duh voice

"Say's the f*cking vampire! Little hypocritical don't you think, pretty boy?" The parrot questioned

"Hey Blondie, why did the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? She was throwing away all the w's." The bird joked and Emmett burst out laughing only to get hit by Rosalie

"Can I eat him, please?" Edward asked, turning to Carlisle

"You're not f*cking eating me, bloodsuckers! Back off!" The bird said putting his wings in a cross shape

"Let's go check out the other rooms and get away from this f*cking annoying bird." Edward said and all of them besides Emmett went to check out the rooms

"I'll fight you, come on bring it on, you pansy ass vamps!" The bird squeaked, balling up his wings in fist

"What the f*ck are you on? Hey, Polly want a cracker?" Emmett asked with a grin

"Polly gonna f*ck you up, bitch!" The bird said, trying to get at him through the cage and Emmett laughed and let him out of the cage, telling him to go annoy Edward and the bird flew off.

[In the room with Edward, Bella, Jake and Nessie]

The bird flew in the room wearing a Team Jacob T-shirt and landed on Edward's head, digging his claws into his hair

"Really, cause that's not obvious at all." Bella said sarcastically

"Oh f*ck off!" The bird swore at her giving her the bird before flying onto Jake's shoulder

"Don't worry Jake, I'll keep you. You can chase those cats off for me… just don't give me f*cking fleas cause then we're gonna have a problem." He told Jake

"How did you even get out of the cage?" Edward asked him, annoyed still trying to fix his hair

"Why don't you read my mind bitch?" The bird asked him _'Emmett doesn't like you very much, F*ckward.'_ The bird thought and Edward growled at him _'Oh yeah, you want to growl at me, fine. Why don't you kiss my surprisingly firm, feathery ass, pansy assed momma's bitch.'_ The bird insulted him before flying into the hallway to see Rosalie.

"Hey Blondie, how do a blonde's brain cells die? Alone." The bird cackled and flew away

[In the room with Carlisle and Esme]

The bird flew into the room and landed on Carlisle's shoulder and started looking him over

"How old are you?" The bird asked

"350." Carlisle answered

"Really? I would have guessed 5000." The bird said, cheekily before flying around the room and swooping down and catching a mouse and dropping it on Esme's head, making her scream and spaz out.

"You are the weakest link. Goodbye." The bird said bluntly, flying out of the room

[In the room with Rosalie and Emmett]

The bird landed on Emmett's shoulder and turned to Rosalie and asked "What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? Last year's hide and seek champ." Rosalie growled at him

"How do you amuse a blonde for hours? Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a paper." The bird insulted

"I'm warning you." Rosalie snarled at him

"How do you get a blonde to get her hair wet? Glue a mirror to the bottom of the pool." The bird cackled before flying away as Rosalie lunged for him and yelled back "Don't worry Blondie; you'll understand them on Monday."

[In the room with Alice and Jasper]

The bird flew in and popped down on Alice's shoulder and nicked at her ear

"You know Pixie, you could do so much better but if you ever want a third come get this bird." He said winking at her

"Well maybe this bird should go away before I eat it." Jasper growled at him

"Oh eat me! Wait you might actually eat me. Don't eat me, you however, feel free to eat me anytime, sweetcheeks." The bird winked at her again before flying away but not before pooping in Jasper's hair

[Back in the foyer with everybody]

"How do we get away from the damn bird?" Rosalie asked

"Well we can run really fast." Edward said

"Yeah but the damn thing can fly." Rosalie told him

"We're just gonna have to make a run for it." Alice said as the bird landed on Emmett's shoulder

"F*ck no, you're not leaving without me." The parrot told them and they all glanced at each other and ran for the car, slamming and locking the doors, and drove away, sighing in relief when they could no longer see the mansion until they heard: "I'm Baaaack, bitches!" they turned and saw the parrot on Emmett's shoulder "I like the little guy." Emmett said, shrugging

"Why does the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle? It say's 'Concentrate.'" The bird said

"THAT F*CKING BIRD IS F*CKING DEAD WHEN I GET MY F*CKING HANDS ON HIS F*CKING NECK!" rang through the car along with a:

'SQUAWK!' and a "GET THIS CRAZY BITCH OFF ME!"

Please review and I mean no offence to blondes.

Xxx Dark Goddess013 Xxx


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